Chemo sucks

It makes my kidneys hurt. My back hurts. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My feet hurt. My neck hurts. My head hurts. Not even the inside of my head like the outside. My brother helped wash my hair in the sink the other day because I was pretty sick and it helped so much. My mom then rubbed my head played with my hair and brushed it.  I Hate being sick 

Cvs 5k

I had my CVS 5k this morning. JJ drove in last night. He surprised me and brought me starbucks at work it was really nice. Work wasn't going so well and my manager was mad at me so it made me feel a lot better. Friday night was really good. We talked a lot. We had a good night. 

My 5k went well. I started to get dizzy and feel sick about 10 minutes into it so we ended up doing  3.5k instead of the full 5k. It was still really nice. JJ could tell I was staring to not feel good so he asked me every so often if I was still feeling okay 

We just got back from Olive Garden. I was really hungry and ate really well. I feel good too. Normally ater eating that much I feel terrible. JJ made me feel good about it I ate about half of a dessert too. I don't remember the last time I was ful. It was a really long time ago. 

This weekend is mostly being spent on homework. I have a lot I have to get done if I want to graduate. I'm going to Six Flags on Mondy for a physics field trip and if I actually want to go I have to complete 8 worksheets and 2 tests. I have a project to finih for Marketing and a few for my health class too. It won't be too bad but its a lot of work. I'm glad none of its hard. It will just take time

Saturday

I went to a friends lake house on saturday. I got there before they got home for lunch so I played on my ipad and cuddled her new 14 week old puppy. After they got there we went on their boat and she went water skiing. It was really cool to see. I've never done it before and want to try it before the end of the summer. Then Justin got there and we went tubing. That was a ton of fun. It was cold but it was wonderful. I loved all of it. JJ said he was glad to see me happy.
Then because JJ works at 6am we went out for dinner early so we could drive home. He and his friend we're pushing me so hard to eat two more quesadilla triangle things. I couldn't do it. I think JJ's friend was mad a me. It bothered me so much I went to the bathroom and purged. I lied to JJ and then confessed to it on the drive home.

This boy is great.

He leaves skype open some nights. I wish it was more to be honest. But I love it. If I wake up he's there for me. If I need him he's always there. He said he doesn't like me talking about him online the other day. He meant on tumblr. He doesn't know I have this blog. I know I've talked about him before. I mean I've been with him for almost 8 months. I can't just keep that from you guys. I hope he doesn't find this :p

This weekend is going to be great. I had a pretty good day today. Tomorrow I'm going to one of Js friends girlfriends lake house about 45 minutes away from me. It'll be fun. J works  early in the morning at a golf course and then he has a chiropractor appointment. After that he's gonna meet me at the lake house. We'll go home Saturday night so he can sleep before work Sunday. I don't know what we'll do Sunday and Monday but I don't even care. I'm going to get Froyo with one of Js sisters friends that I've become friends with. She's really nice and my entire lifeline. I'm excited to go! 

Weird as fuck feeling right now.

JJ's been asleep for a few hours. I'm laying In bed watching tv and I had a really weird thought pop in my head. I want a baby. "But you have two" I want a real baby. One that's mine and all mine. One who I can be there for. I'm almost out of high school. This is crazy as fuck. What is wrong with me honestly. Wtf. 

"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." -Henry Miller

Don't ever take anything for granted. Don't take any day or any moment for granted either. I don't really have much more to say then that. 

Ben

It's been a year since Ben went to heaven. He would've turned six at the beginning of the month. Thats absolutely ridiculous. He would be in kindergarten learning math and science, how to dance and sing, how to read...

People asked me how we're doing. We're okay. We're healthy. We're finding joy in the simple things again. We're looking for ways to celebrate little things every day. Or at least I am.

I miss Benny like crazy. Thats obvious though. I cry a lot. I get angry. I remember the good days and his smile and then I'm happy. I revisit the tragedy and allow myself to hurt. To remember everything we still have. Its a part of the healing process. Ben's loss is a pain I will always carry. I don't ever mention it to anybody. My new friends that I've made in the last year don't know about him. I'm learning to live with his loss. But on days like today I remember that It's okay to not be okay. So I guess you can say I'm doing the best that I can.

I am determined to live life to the fullest. I saw how quickly life and living can change. From the first headache to his diagnosis was 9 days. Nine Days! Doctors gave him 6 months. God only gave him 5.5. The tumor in his head was the size of a pear. I think thats crazy.

Today was a hard day. It was a little overwhelming. It was hard to go to school and I broke down about every 15 minutes. I had chemo this morning. I sat there wondering why Ben didn't get that chance. He got a tumor that affects .00002% of ADULTS! Why was my baby 4.5 year old brother given Stage 4 Glioblastoma. The pear sized tumor in his head took over rapidly.

Why wasn't he given a chance. I don't think life is very fair sometimes.


Blue for Ben,
Kirsten

Its been a year

It's been about a year since my last post? No it hasnt? What!?

I did a clean sweep again and deleted all the things that pissed me off or were just stupid posts.

Dear friend,

He looks really happy without me and I'm not. Sure I understand how that could be. I try to be happy...but ever since he left ive been a mess. I don't know why I just can't "get over it". He was a big part of my life. I can't just stop. How do you go years clicking with somebody and then expect all to fall apart in a few days...or even a few. Months.  I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm not sure where I'll end up but for now...this sucks. 

Whoa 50,000 views

Wow are y'all really that interested in me?

I don't know what to do. Or what to say.

The only thing I can do is pray. And hope God has a plan... :/ 

This song Re:Voiced is terrific

Well I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I wont give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
Im giving you all my love
Im still looking up

Writing is amazing

Take a book for example. I can pick up a book and flip to a random page. Reading the third paragraph down the page, a picture is painted in my mind. I don't know much about the paragraph because I've never read the book. So I started from the beginning. I read a few chapters and then laid down on my couch with my eyes closed. The picture do the first chapters painted in my mind. It's like a movie. But you go at your own pace.  Get confused and you can turn a page back. The words form together in a picture. A movie in your head. A go at your own pace movie always waiting for you to turn the page. It's amazing, or so I think. 

The American school system is stupid

I dont care
about
cosθ
or why
carbon has
4 bonds.
Teach me
how to
not
hate myself
anymore

When I was 13
there was a boy
who used to call me
fat
and
ugly
and
I always used to make
excuses up
for him
like
he got bullied himself
not by peers
but by
the voices in his mind
or
his parents were getting a
divorce
because
his dad ran off with
the blonde bimbo
from
the beauty salon
down the road
but
then
I took a step back
and
I realized
maybe he just hated me
so
I started to
hate
myself.

(k o f)

The desire to self harm

I have the urge, a craving, to take a blade and watch the blood trickle down my arm.  The urge to take all my problems away. A craving to feel normal

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of you heart 

The sun it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal you meat eater you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck 

And I'll find strength in pain

And I'll change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cuz I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth 

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see windows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking  on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the makers land

So make your sirens call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cuz I need freedom now 

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again. 

Play with her hair, tell her you love her, be weird together, run in the streets, slow dance together, hold her hand, kiss in the rain.

Make memories. 

We met in kindergarten. We were best friends.

She always told me she loved my eyes. I didn't quite know why.

I was in love with her, so of course my face lit up immensely whenever she said it.

She was beautiful, kind, and extremely funny.

We'd be talking about nothing, and she'd turn to me and whisper,
"I like your eyes."

One day, I was playing basketball,

waiting for her to drive over to my house to have a game with me.

Suddenly, I got a phone call.

It was her mom. She was in a panic.

I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. It sounded like,

"Aaron, come quick! Kelsey, accident, Main Street! Blood. Come now!"

I had no clue what happened,

so I ran to Main Street with my basketball shorts and a tee shirt on.

I saw Kelsey's mom helplessly crying, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

I saw a totaled car, blood everywhere. 

Then I saw her, Kelsey.

My heart stopped as I frantically ran over to her.

"Kelsey? Kelsey!" She was unconscious. I started crying.

I know it isn't very manly, but I couldn't help it.

Before I could say anymore, the medics took her away,

the main source of blood coming from her head.

I went to the hospital that night, 
I went every night.

in fact, the only time I left was to go out to eat, but that's it.

The doctors tried getting me to leave, but I refused.It was all my fault.

If it wasn't for me, wanting to play basketball with her,

she wouldn't be going through this.

It was already four days, and she hasn't woken up.

On the fifth day, I saw her eyes gently open.

"Kelsey?" I called.

She wasn't quite awake yet.

Suddenly, doctors came rushing in, telling me I had to wait outside.

I did, for a few hours.

One of the doctors finally came out saying,

"I understand that you're Kelsey's friend, Aaron?"

"Yes," I whispered.

He bit his lip.
"She woke up, she's fine,

but I'm afraid she has long term memory loss."

"Are you serious?" I almost shouted.

"I'm afraid so."

I didn't meet his gaze. I couldn't.

I wasn't going to say anything, so he spoke again.

"You can go see her if you want,

but she doesn't remember anything, not even her mom."

I walked in, trembling in horror.

I saw her. She looked helpless as she slept.

I waited a few hours, until I saw her eyes opening gently again.

I expected doctors to run in, rushing me out.

Instead, she looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered,

"I don't know you, but I like your eyes."