This boy is great.

He leaves skype open some nights. I wish it was more to be honest. But I love it. If I wake up he's there for me. If I need him he's always there. He said he doesn't like me talking about him online the other day. He meant on tumblr. He doesn't know I have this blog. I know I've talked about him before. I mean I've been with him for almost 8 months. I can't just keep that from you guys. I hope he doesn't find this :p

This weekend is going to be great. I had a pretty good day today. Tomorrow I'm going to one of Js friends girlfriends lake house about 45 minutes away from me. It'll be fun. J works  early in the morning at a golf course and then he has a chiropractor appointment. After that he's gonna meet me at the lake house. We'll go home Saturday night so he can sleep before work Sunday. I don't know what we'll do Sunday and Monday but I don't even care. I'm going to get Froyo with one of Js sisters friends that I've become friends with. She's really nice and my entire lifeline. I'm excited to go! 

Weird as fuck feeling right now.

JJ's been asleep for a few hours. I'm laying In bed watching tv and I had a really weird thought pop in my head. I want a baby. "But you have two" I want a real baby. One that's mine and all mine. One who I can be there for. I'm almost out of high school. This is crazy as fuck. What is wrong with me honestly. Wtf. 

"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." -Henry Miller

Don't ever take anything for granted. Don't take any day or any moment for granted either. I don't really have much more to say then that. 

Ben

It's been a year since Ben went to heaven. He would've turned six at the beginning of the month. Thats absolutely ridiculous. He would be in kindergarten learning math and science, how to dance and sing, how to read...

People asked me how we're doing. We're okay. We're healthy. We're finding joy in the simple things again. We're looking for ways to celebrate little things every day. Or at least I am.

I miss Benny like crazy. Thats obvious though. I cry a lot. I get angry. I remember the good days and his smile and then I'm happy. I revisit the tragedy and allow myself to hurt. To remember everything we still have. Its a part of the healing process. Ben's loss is a pain I will always carry. I don't ever mention it to anybody. My new friends that I've made in the last year don't know about him. I'm learning to live with his loss. But on days like today I remember that It's okay to not be okay. So I guess you can say I'm doing the best that I can.

I am determined to live life to the fullest. I saw how quickly life and living can change. From the first headache to his diagnosis was 9 days. Nine Days! Doctors gave him 6 months. God only gave him 5.5. The tumor in his head was the size of a pear. I think thats crazy.

Today was a hard day. It was a little overwhelming. It was hard to go to school and I broke down about every 15 minutes. I had chemo this morning. I sat there wondering why Ben didn't get that chance. He got a tumor that affects .00002% of ADULTS! Why was my baby 4.5 year old brother given Stage 4 Glioblastoma. The pear sized tumor in his head took over rapidly.

Why wasn't he given a chance. I don't think life is very fair sometimes.


Blue for Ben,
Kirsten

Its been a year

It's been about a year since my last post? No it hasnt? What!?

I did a clean sweep again and deleted all the things that pissed me off or were just stupid posts.

Dear friend,

He looks really happy without me and I'm not. Sure I understand how that could be. I try to be happy...but ever since he left ive been a mess. I don't know why I just can't "get over it". He was a big part of my life. I can't just stop. How do you go years clicking with somebody and then expect all to fall apart in a few days...or even a few. Months.  I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm not sure where I'll end up but for now...this sucks.