This song Re:Voiced is terrific

Well I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I wont give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
Im giving you all my love
Im still looking up

Writing is amazing

Take a book for example. I can pick up a book and flip to a random page. Reading the third paragraph down the page, a picture is painted in my mind. I don't know much about the paragraph because I've never read the book. So I started from the beginning. I read a few chapters and then laid down on my couch with my eyes closed. The picture do the first chapters painted in my mind. It's like a movie. But you go at your own pace.  Get confused and you can turn a page back. The words form together in a picture. A movie in your head. A go at your own pace movie always waiting for you to turn the page. It's amazing, or so I think. 

The American school system is stupid

I dont care
about
cosθ
or why
carbon has
4 bonds.
Teach me
how to
not
hate myself
anymore

When I was 13
there was a boy
who used to call me
fat
and
ugly
and
I always used to make
excuses up
for him
like
he got bullied himself
not by peers
but by
the voices in his mind
or
his parents were getting a
divorce
because
his dad ran off with
the blonde bimbo
from
the beauty salon
down the road
but
then
I took a step back
and
I realized
maybe he just hated me
so
I started to
hate
myself.

(k o f)

The desire to self harm

I have the urge, a craving, to take a blade and watch the blood trickle down my arm.  The urge to take all my problems away. A craving to feel normal

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of you heart 

The sun it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal you meat eater you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck 

And I'll find strength in pain

And I'll change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cuz I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth 

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see windows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking  on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the makers land

So make your sirens call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cuz I need freedom now 

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

But I will hold on hope

And I will let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again. 

Play with her hair, tell her you love her, be weird together, run in the streets, slow dance together, hold her hand, kiss in the rain.

Make memories. 

We met in kindergarten. We were best friends.

She always told me she loved my eyes. I didn't quite know why.

I was in love with her, so of course my face lit up immensely whenever she said it.

She was beautiful, kind, and extremely funny.

We'd be talking about nothing, and she'd turn to me and whisper,
"I like your eyes."

One day, I was playing basketball,

waiting for her to drive over to my house to have a game with me.

Suddenly, I got a phone call.

It was her mom. She was in a panic.

I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. It sounded like,

"Aaron, come quick! Kelsey, accident, Main Street! Blood. Come now!"

I had no clue what happened,

so I ran to Main Street with my basketball shorts and a tee shirt on.

I saw Kelsey's mom helplessly crying, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

I saw a totaled car, blood everywhere. 

Then I saw her, Kelsey.

My heart stopped as I frantically ran over to her.

"Kelsey? Kelsey!" She was unconscious. I started crying.

I know it isn't very manly, but I couldn't help it.

Before I could say anymore, the medics took her away,

the main source of blood coming from her head.

I went to the hospital that night, 
I went every night.

in fact, the only time I left was to go out to eat, but that's it.

The doctors tried getting me to leave, but I refused.It was all my fault.

If it wasn't for me, wanting to play basketball with her,

she wouldn't be going through this.

It was already four days, and she hasn't woken up.

On the fifth day, I saw her eyes gently open.

"Kelsey?" I called.

She wasn't quite awake yet.

Suddenly, doctors came rushing in, telling me I had to wait outside.

I did, for a few hours.

One of the doctors finally came out saying,

"I understand that you're Kelsey's friend, Aaron?"

"Yes," I whispered.

He bit his lip.
"She woke up, she's fine,

but I'm afraid she has long term memory loss."

"Are you serious?" I almost shouted.

"I'm afraid so."

I didn't meet his gaze. I couldn't.

I wasn't going to say anything, so he spoke again.

"You can go see her if you want,

but she doesn't remember anything, not even her mom."

I walked in, trembling in horror.

I saw her. She looked helpless as she slept.

I waited a few hours, until I saw her eyes opening gently again.

I expected doctors to run in, rushing me out.

Instead, she looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered,

"I don't know you, but I like your eyes."

I was the girl whos father never showed up for anything. Its not that he had died. He just never cared.

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was 'Daddy's Day' at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school, eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone too meet.
Children were squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called, a student from the class to introduce her daddy.
As seconds slowly passed, at last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy too waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began too speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, he taught me how to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
"Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart.
I know because he told me, he'd forever be in my heart."
With that her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heart beat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd,
she finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could he'd be here, but Heaven's just too far!
You see he was a fireman and died just this past year.
When airplanes hit the towers, and taught Americans to fear.
"But sometimes when I close my eyes, its like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddy's and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know your with me daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that:

Heaven is never too far.

One in five. That’s how many anorexia sufferers die. 20%. My friend just had someone in her family diagnosed with cancer. He has an 84% survival rate. You are more likely to survive cancer than you are to survive anorexia. That is how deadly this disorder is. This is not a phase. This is not a diet. This is life or death.

This is terrifying. Ive been in both the positions. Beat cancers ass 3 (almost 4) times. Anorexia almost killed me. My doctors were more worried about my weight then me refusing chemo.

In my middle school health class, they told me that

the human heart is roughly the size of a fist.

I don't remember what the teacher said next, because I was too busy

curling my fingers into my palm.

Surely, whatever I was feeling had to have been made by something larger than my frail hands;

something more powerful

than my thirteen-year-old fist.

I closed my eyes

and punched the desk as hard as I could,

the skin on my knuckles tore open,

blood surfacing, shooting

pain up my arm,

and I walked with teary eyes

to the principles office.

I could only say that I was testing my heart.

These days, I still ball my hand into a fist and just

stare at it for a bit.

I do this every day,

and sometimes I'll punch something,

like my desk, or a wall,

or the drawer that holds all the letters she wrote me.

My fist has gotten a little larger since then,

but it still breaks and bleeds just the same.

- ao-oa

 

“What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

This scares me.

“That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.” ― John Green, Paper Towns

“The world is not a wish-granting factory.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

When I was little and my doctors were trying to find out what was wrong with me I learned this quickly. I wished every night they would find it. One doctor appointment after another my mother and I were told I just had the flu and it would be over quickly. I kept wishing harder and harder each time. That isn't how the world works though. The world isnt going to make every single wish of yours come true.

“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.” ― John Green

I don't always know what I'm saying. I don't always know what I'm thinking. But I know, that for every situation out there, there is a quote waiting to be matched with that situation. Theres a ton of books. There are a ton of quotes. The quotes we enjoy may say something more about our character then what our best friends know.

“The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it. Not ever.” ― Nina LaCour, Hold Still

This is how depression is. Sure the medication helps a bit but it will never take the pain away. Depression is hard to live with. Everyone always asks you whats wrong. When I say nothing I really mean its nothing. If you ask and I tell you I don't know its because I don't know. I'm not just telling you that to make you go away I'm telling you the truth. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew. Maybe if I knew I could fix it. But thats not reality. Thats not how this is.