Absolutely Nothing - by Osoanon Nimuss

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.


Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.

“The marks humans leave are too often scars.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Scars stay forever just like the words that stay forever in our minds when someone says something hurtful.
A simple "I'm sorry" is a bandaid. When the bandaid is removed the wound is gone but the scar will stay forever.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Writing is the easiest way to get feeling out. It helps even more to burn it after you write it down. Doesn't matter if anyone doesnt read it. I get page views on here. I have close to 1,000. I don't know if theyre from bots or if people actually read this. It doesnt matter to me. Well unless I know you... then I'd kinda be mad...

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” ― Albert Einstein

Its all about respect. Everyone comes from a different past and is headed in a different direction. No matter who you are or where you come from you deserve to be treated with respect. If you're sick, if you're healthy, if you're rich or if you're poor, it doesn't matter. You deserve the same respect as everyone else.

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” ― Marlene Dietrich

Parker is that friend. No matter whats wrong he's always there for me. If I have a bad day he'll drop everything just to try and help.

Nick does that too. He'll come over at 3am just to talk. We go on walks around my neighborhood at 2am. I don't have any other friend that would do that.

Nick wouldn't drop everything. He'd tell me he has to finish homework first or finish whatever hes doing.

Parker wouldnt wake up at 3am to go on a walk with me. He'd roll over and tell me to go to bed :p

Theyre both awesome friends for completely different awesome reasons. I couldn't ask for anything better.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

We all have opinions. Some are better to keep to ourselves. Others are meant to be expressed to the world. If you never let anyone know your opinions something amazing might never happen. What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of a child who's afraid to express themselves?

Don't be shy. Tell the world your opinion. Be the change. Say you don't like that color. Tell them you think it would taste better with a little more vanilla. Let people know that.

Be the change that you wish to see in the world.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” ― Norman Cousins,Anatomy of an Illness

I've been sick for a long time. I have been sick for almost 15 years. I can tell when something is wrong. I can tell when there is an issue. I know when I'm going to be sick. I know when I'm starting to catch something. I can tell my mom "Next Tuesday I'll be sick" and almost 90% of the time I am right. How do I know? Each sick person has dealt with illness for a long time. We learn our bodies and what it feels like before and after a flare up. My mom asked me how I can do this and I tell her that I just know.  I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach that wont go away. I start losing sleep. I'm not eating right. Then as it gets closer I can't stop eating and sleeping. Then it hits. I wake up that dreaded morning and crawl to my moms room. Fighting with her about missing so much school and "Not taking care of myself" I could take care of myself as much as possible and I'd still be sick. Thats what chronic illness is. I just know.

Nick

Nick has been my best friend for like two years. Even though we fight a lot days like these are when I really need him. Days like today when my life just seems to crumble and collapse. Skipping classes to talk and give me a big hug is why we're still friends. Things like the hugs, the talks, the 3am walks, the smiles, the laughs, staying up all night making sure I'm ok. He's done so much for me and not many people know me as well as he does. I love the hell out of him. Honestly, most of our fights happen because I don't eat, I mess up, I make a bad decision or I do something stupid. We don't fight because we hate each other. We fight because we care about each other a lot. Hes the only friend I really have at this school. 

Bonus: he's pretty cute. 

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” ― Elbert Hubbard

This friend is Parker. My best friend for 9 years. He's been with me through everything. Hes seen me the second I wake up. Hes seen me when I'm sick. He's seen me with my hair up and no make up which is more days then I'd like to admit. Even through all of this he still loves me. He still thinks I'm pretty. He'd still do anything for me. Love is what makes you smile when youre tired. No matter how bad my day is he can make me smile. I don't know how he does it but he can every time.

Semester

Tomorrow is my last day of the semester and I'm not sure what to think about it. I start a few new classes and finish my year longs. Finals weren't too bad considering I only had a few. I'm finally done with the first semester of Algebra 2 and I'm switching teachers. My old teacher was old and mean and had a horrible grading style. I'm not sure how my new one will be. I've never met him and I've only heard a few things about him. No more finals <3

This I Believe essay for my English 11 class.

One time, I was interviewing a few girls between the ages of 9-15 in my neighborhood. Out of the 20 girls I interviewed, 16 of them thought they were overweight, ugly or they were unhappy with their body image. That's 80%! I've had body image issues in the past and I wanted to research a little and find out why this was. I believe media exposure especially teen and celebrity magazines affect the way young girls see themselves. 

In 6th grade, when I was only 11 years old, I had a fear that no one else knew about. I discovered the internet and celebrity news websites. After seeing how much attention they received and how much they were praised for having a "perfect" or "gorgeous" body I started looking at myself differently. I frequently was made fun of for how I looked. I developed an eating disorder at only 11 years of age. I struggled with eating disorders until my freshman year of high school. A therapist of mine suggested the low self esteem and the body image issues I had developed from influences of the websites I read and the magazines I looked at. After getting over my own personal struggles I wanted to see how many others had the same issues I have. Was it for the same reasons? 

The girls I talked to came from many different backgrounds and social groups. I asked questions about the magazines they read, which celebrities they found attractive and their overall view on themselves physically. I found that a lot of them followed major celebrities that were in the news all the time. They were on the covers of magazines and photoshopped to “look hot.” 

One of the things that really bothered me was the way the models looked on the magazines. The before and after shots were astonishing. The editors use photoshop to make the models look thinner, enhance cheekbones, eyes and jaw-lines, and to make the model look more attractive. Seeing how “normal” they look before the editing process made me sick to my stomach. These 11 year old girls are looking at these models thinking they look like this naturally. I’m sure most of them know they're edited but not to the extent they actually are. 

 I got back together with the girls I interviewed and showed them a video that goes through the process of editing. It was a wake up call for all of them. I told them all that It is ok to enjoy food. It is ok to be happy with being a few pounds overweight. Everyones body types are different and depending on your height and the way your body is built 135 lbs can look completely different on 50 different people. 

My overall goal was to educate these girls and teach them that there aren't people who look like that naturally. There aren’t only girls who suffer from these eating disorders. There are boys that are affected to. Over 8 MILLION Americans have an eating disorder. I believe we can teach everyone the dangers of eating disorders and that it is ok to eat.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing everyday that scares you."

The idea of this is to take yourself out of your comfort zone. Get out of your little bubble and experience something new everyday. Confront your fears, take a challenge, do something that excites you. Do one thing everyday that scares you. 

Sleep

I just woke up... I fell asleep around 5:30 maybe 5:45... Thats about how much sleep I'm used to get in a single night. What the hell am I supposed to do all night?

Starting Quote reflections again

I used to do these all the time. I did up to 7 a day sometimes. I might ease back into them slowly or post 15 of them tonight...I found an awesome website with a bunch of them and made a doc with my favorite 300 so I'll have to start posting them. If any of you (I know you exist I have almost 50,000 views) have any good ones message me or drop a comment or something. 

Looking through my list of open journal questions.

How do you look when you are mad?

I look like this. 

"Poor Waldo" wtf

So I saw this picture today and after some hour it wasn't quite sure what to think. I like the idea of the picture. But the way they said "Poor Waldo" at the bottom bothered me.  When you're born with a disorder you learn to live with it. I've adjusted just fine. I still have my bad days but should you feel sorry for me? Hell no. 

What so my best friend and I have in common?

Honestly we don't have a lot in common at all. Music preference, sports, favorite food, activities, hobbies, and our favorite school subjects are all opposite.  But one thing we have in common is we both love each other. Parker's been my best friend since 9th grade. We've been through so much together. He's helped me through a lot and supports me through all my decisions. When I'm sick he does anything to help. When I had a friend pass away he was there for me. No matter what choices he makes I'll always love him and I know he'll ask ways love me too. We may not have a ton in common but we are both very supportive of each other and all of our decisions. 

"Why do you think some people don't exercise their right to vote?"

 When my parents were growing up whenever the election would come around I asked why they never would vote. My mom would say she had things to do, she was too busy, she had to work etc. I remembered counting down the seconds until I could vote and being really excited. Now getting older and being almost 17 I realize it's not a huge deal. People are busy, they have things to do, they work, they have kids, they have to chauffeur kids...the list could go on. 

Also, not everyone understands our nations political parties. Some may be torn between democrat and republican. They might not be sure what their opinion is. There could be confusion or questions. 

I didn't understand the whole "democrat or republican" thing until about 8th grade and that was through self research. People aren't taught about political parties in school. It just doesn't happen. 

Pet Peeves

I think theres a general list of things everyone gets annoyed about. But then theres that list of things that really piss you off that no one else seems so understand.  I am irritated by a lot of weird things. Mostly, I am really irritated by any significantly audible breathing. I can somewhat understand if you're sick, or you have a condition, but I'm just annoyed when people breathe like Darth Vader for no reason whatsoever. I just can't handle it and I start to get a headache.  

Also, certain noises such as scraping or loudly sucking air between teeth make my skin crawl. I actually have to cover my ears and sometimes I start to shake. Because of these issues, I also have a really hard time sleeping without the fan or else I am rendered unable to sleep by any non-consistent noises. 

I get furious when a group of people insist on walking slowly and very close to each other so that I cannot get through. If I can weave around, I'm completely fine, but I hate when people not only walk slow, but line themselves to completely block the hallway. Oh, and I die a little on the inside when I'm stuck behind someone in line who does not know what he or she wants. I thought it was common sense to let the person in line behind you go if you're not ready to order. Apparently, it's not. 

As for what I do to annoy people, I'm one of those people that cannot sit still. I bounce my knee, play with my pencil, flip through pages, scribble, erase stray marks, look everywhere, etc. I've actually had someone ask me to stop with the knee bouncing because I was making her chair shake. The more anxious I am, the worse it is. Additionally, I have the ability to crack the knuckles of my pointer and middle fingers an unlimited amount of times repeatedly, so I'll sit there cracking without realizing it. Oh, and I freak people out when I stand with my foot backwards. I've had people get physically upset and ask me to please stop, but I just kind of do that when I'm bored. I feel bad when it bothers people though, and if I'm asked to stop any of these things I cease and desist until at least the end of the class/activity.

If I sold my blog it would be worth...

...absolutely nothing because nobody even reads this stuff :p

"My future son has no choice he will be an athlete"

That was my tweet on July 11th of last year. I was looking through tweets and now thinking about it I didn't really mean that. I would love to get my kids involved in activities in and out of school. Some kids just arent in to sports and I understand that. Thinking about it now my future kids dont need to be in a sport. But I will strongly encourage them to do something whether it be a club, sport, job or even volunteer work. I would love to be the mom who shows up to every game and gets involved with them to because growing up I didnt have that. My dad wasnt in the picture and my mom was busy with my little brother or shopping or work. I never had anyone watching me at softball, hockey or soccer games. No matter what my kids decide to do I will be 100% supportive.

Clean slate

Every year around this time I delete all the posts from the previous year. It's a new start and a new beginning. I don't have to remember all the stupid drama from the year or the little things that drove me crazy.

A fresh clean start is just what I need. If you're new here you don't know me. I post just about every day and don't be afraid to comment on anything! I love feedback and opinions especially on writings.

When I post something like this it will turn out as a wall of text. I tend to ramble a lot but that's just how I'm getting everything out of my head. When you're a teenager your life can be confusing. I'm not really sure who I am yet. I'm a lot of things. I'm a mom, a kid, a junior in high school, 4'11. Theres a lot of roles I play. Because of not being sure who I really am I'm afraid to say whats on my mind. I don't have any friends really so I just have no one to talk to. Everything in my head just gets built up and this is a place to let it all out.