Ben

It's been a year since Ben went to heaven. He would've turned six at the beginning of the month. Thats absolutely ridiculous. He would be in kindergarten learning math and science, how to dance and sing, how to read...

People asked me how we're doing. We're okay. We're healthy. We're finding joy in the simple things again. We're looking for ways to celebrate little things every day. Or at least I am.

I miss Benny like crazy. Thats obvious though. I cry a lot. I get angry. I remember the good days and his smile and then I'm happy. I revisit the tragedy and allow myself to hurt. To remember everything we still have. Its a part of the healing process. Ben's loss is a pain I will always carry. I don't ever mention it to anybody. My new friends that I've made in the last year don't know about him. I'm learning to live with his loss. But on days like today I remember that It's okay to not be okay. So I guess you can say I'm doing the best that I can.

I am determined to live life to the fullest. I saw how quickly life and living can change. From the first headache to his diagnosis was 9 days. Nine Days! Doctors gave him 6 months. God only gave him 5.5. The tumor in his head was the size of a pear. I think thats crazy.

Today was a hard day. It was a little overwhelming. It was hard to go to school and I broke down about every 15 minutes. I had chemo this morning. I sat there wondering why Ben didn't get that chance. He got a tumor that affects .00002% of ADULTS! Why was my baby 4.5 year old brother given Stage 4 Glioblastoma. The pear sized tumor in his head took over rapidly.

Why wasn't he given a chance. I don't think life is very fair sometimes.


Blue for Ben,
Kirsten